The Pregnancy Correlations

6 Dec

I have been working on this post for days now. If I had to actually write for a living, we would still be eating Ramen noodles and other snacks from Dollar Tree to survive. I mean this writer’s block stuff is no joke. It’s a good thing I have an affinity for numbers, sports, and music — out of which finally comes my first December post:

From the moment I found out we were having a baby I have been in Mr Fix-It mode. I am sure Mrs. Pickle would argue I am always in that mode but I can really feel it now. It’s the backlash of 8 years training and experience in engineering. I give no apologies.

However it is out of this deep-set problem solving mind that I have discovered some correlations that could save expectant fathers everywhere. I even believe they could save me, but there is almost no way I would listen.

A) Fantasy Football vs Pregnancy Affects:

This is an interesting phenomena. Historical data accurately predicts that the more fantasy football games my team wins, the worse this pregnancy is. There also is a slight positive correlation showing that the more games she wins, the better the pregnancy has went. I am 10-3, and Mrs Pickle is 3-10. It has been a rough few months there, but the pain has eased as she won twice and I have lost twice in the last four weeks. This is not scientifically backed but I believe I was one more victory away from making a temporary home in the basement. With the spiders.

This little affect interests me on another note: I was told we were having a baby just before we drafted these fantasy teams. I don’t remember a single pick I made; I do remember dancing around like a small child that needs to pee but doesn’t want to miss the parade. Joy abounds! But to think that this pregnancy has been so closely tied to this particular fantasy football team… mesmerizing isn’t it? No? Ok moving on.

B) Fast Food vs Pregnancy Affects:

A couple of weeks ago I discovered this rather strong correlation first hand. How? A late night run to McDonalds ended up with Mrs. Pickle’s head out the window for the ride home.

Even just last night we were at the grocery store (surrounded by Chic-Fil-A, Wendy’s, & the infamous BK Lounge) and I had to drive like Dale Earnhardt Jr just to keep my new truck clean. The smell of fast food and this expectant mother do not jive.

P.S. — Sometimes I drive my new truck extremely fast just because it will go extremely fast. Shh. Don’t tell her.

C) Sleep vs Pregnancy Affects:

I believe this correlation was well-developed long before I arrived on the scene. The first time we interacted was at 7:30 pm on a Sunday evening. I said “Hey how’s it going, how was your weekend” and her simple response was “Fine. I am going to bed”. And from that this love was developed. Once, recently, I remarked to her that I really understood how much she liked me back when we were first dating simply because she would stay up until 11:30 or midnight.

Those days are long gone. And while (I think?) she still likes me, if Mama Bear don’t get her sleep then apparently Baby P takes it out on her. Which then, because shit rolls down hill, comes back to haunt yours truly. Bottom line — when Mrs. Pickle says “I’m going to bed” at 6:52 pm, I take her hand and help her right up those stairs.

The best part of all of these “correlations” is that they don’t mean a thing. More importantly, they can’t be fixed! If she can’t smell fast foot without gagging, wants to sleep incessantly, and hates me because I rock at fantasy football…well then that is a cross I gladly bear. Because at the end of the day I am just ridiculously excited to prepare for that baby that is the root of all this highly scientific data.

I am also excited to be this good at fantasy football.

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