2013 — The Year of the Anti-Resolution

31 Dec

December 31st.

The end of one complete journey around the Sun. A chance for a fresh start. Ok, true, a fresh start can happen pretty much whenever you want it to. But for many people December 31st is the perfect time to wipe the slate clean and start over.

Most times people deem this start-over to be their “New Year’s Resolution”. These “resolutions” are also known as lies.

Utter, complete, bold-faced lies. It is pretty obvious that everyone makes these lists just so they can look back at the end of next year and be upset at everything they didn’t accomplish. Hey, don’t get mad at me, I’m just actually gutsy enough to call it what it is! So with that in mind here are 2013’s New Year’s Anti-Resoltions:

1) I will freak out at the smallest detail gone wrong. That’s right. What’s “wrong” you ask? Don’t worry, I’ll define it, with my entire 2013. Every time I hear something I don’t quite agree with I promise to complete annihilate that person in complete awkward freakoutness.
Also, I made that word up. It is pending trademarking and is being considered by Webster’s for their updated edition. If you use it feel free to pay me via PayPal.

2) I will know everything about sports. You don’t believe me and that is fine. Please refer to Anti-Resolution #1

3) I will never, ever, ever change a poopy diaper. Pee diapers are ok. The mother loads shall be left for the mother.

4) Anger control is for wussies. What is a wussy? Well it’s not exactly Australian for Beer but I believe it is Australian in origin. There isn’t a lot of difference between this one and Anti-Resolution #1. I just felt I needed room for a second helping of freakoutness.

5) Work out? Why? You don’t need to fix perfect, and dead sexy never changes. I don’t need a gym near as much as the gyms need me. Good looking people draw more good looking people. Facts are fact.

6) I will be complacent. You know what they call non-complacent people? Over-acheivers, brown-nosers, teacher’s pet, nerd, four-eyes, lint-licker, curve-breaker, all-star, whiz-kid, awesome, legen-wait for it-dary, blah blah blah. I could go on for days. Bunch of name callers is what this world has become, and it’s not nice. You know what they call complacent people? Lazy. That’s it. 2012 has made my life too awesome. Too legendary. I need a little break. Plus it’s not like my compensation at work would be affected. I am basically tenured. Basically. At the end of the day I would rather have just one name than 17 bajillion.

7) McDonald’s for days. People, you only live once so you better eat like it. Myself, I have an incredible love-affair with the Hot-n-Spicy (add cheese) with a large Coca-Cola. I’m committed to make this relationship one that lasts in 2013.

8) Love… ewww. I don’t need no stinkin’ love. And I am not going to be giving it out. No way Jose. Not to Mrs. Pickle. Not to Baby P. Not even to Moe. If you’re family beyond that… fuhgeddaboudit. Listen, I used up a lot of love in 2012. If I keep up at that rate what am I going to have left when I need love? 2013 is a storage year.

Yeah. That should just about cover it!
Come December 31, 2013 I can not wait to look back on this list and see how badly I failed at living up to it. After all that is the way to do a New Year’s Resolution, right?? 

2 Responses to “2013 — The Year of the Anti-Resolution”

  1. francisguenette December 31, 2012 at 5:41 pm #

    Thanks for a New Year’s Eve laugh!

    • thepickle January 1, 2013 at 7:42 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoyed it!

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